They say to write for your audience.

They say a lot of things that I don’t necessarily listen to.

I don’t write for my audience, I write considering the possibility that I might someday have an audience. When I sit down to write a story-slash-short-fiction-piece-slash-novella-explosion, my prime source of motivation is the nugget of a story that won’t stop itching at me. Over the past two years, I’ve sat down to write a variation on the piece I’m working on now at least four times. And I’m not going to stop until I get it right, that much is for certain.

Why do I keep choosing this same general story of family roles and their constant changing dynamics? I don’t know. Because it’s a story that I feel needs to be told. And why am I telling it in the way that I am? Because that’s my voice, and that’s the way it’s coming out. Why are there swans involved? Because I think swans are awesome

If that sounds self-indulgent, that’s because it is.

And that’s why it’s not staying that way.

First drafts are self-indulgent and selfish. I consider my first draft like a very small child. At first, you don’t want anyone to hold it. You want to feed it and dress it and talk in your little baby voice to it, and you keep it with you at all times. But eventually, you realize that this child needs to take its place in the world and be a functional member of society. In order for it to do that, it needs to be able to interact with others. That requires letting go. That requires remembering that there’s an audience somewhere out there, and they don’t appreciate it if you forget it.

For the Armagh Project, my audience is not only my professors and my peers, but also the attendants of the John Hewitt International Summer School. That means that as an amateur writer writing about Northern Ireland, I’m coming up against professional writers who actually live in Northern Ireland. Nothing like a little pressure to put you on your A-game.

Considering my audience puts me in the position of being extremely careful with my words. Even though I’m only reading a small selection of my piece during our presentation, I want to make sure that each and every one of those words is as close to perfect as I can. I want to convey what I find beautiful about this island and its myths and stories, without trying to pretend that I’m not an outsider. It’s a delicate line to walk, and I’m still working on finding the right way to do it.

I’m not writing for an audience. I’m writing with an audience. I think the distinction is important.